i legitimately don’t even know what to say right now.
okay, so, look, guys, i have a tumultuous relationship with glee, in that i watched the entire first and second seasons over five days this spring while recovering from surgery on heavy narcotics. it’s a waxing and waning investment; i have a few good friends within the fandom, i have dabbled, but by and large i don’t really participate. it’s one of those shows i watch when i remember to, and tonight, feeling like something that was by and large light, if occasionally a little enraging, i put on this week’s episode.
and i knew, from my dash, that was going to be a scene in which finn outed santana to the school. i knew it was probably going to make me angry. but that did not fucking prepare me for what i just watched. i am sitting here in front of my computer, enraged and heartbroken, and it’s not because of what a violation of someone’s privacy it is to out them, and it’s not because of what an agency-stripping thing it is to do, and it’s not because i have seen raging debate about whose “fault” it was all over tumblr. this is not fandom post, not really, and those things are not what have me sitting here, furious.
the reason i am enraged? the reason i am heartbroken? is that i remember being a terrified seventeen year old in love with her best friend in ohio. i remember walking the halls of my—luckily, impossibly, incredibly tolerant high school—and looking at her and feeling like there was something wrong with me. i remember kissing her and knowing better, knowing that something so amazing couldn’t be wrong, and i remember the way she still didn’t, the way she insisted that we keep it quiet, the way she’d panic if we seemed too obvious. i remember her fear, the way i could see it and feel it even after i’d gotten over my own, and i remember the way it hurt, because i loved her and she loved me and she hated herself for it. i remember going to college and meeting people who, twenty minutes north or south of me, had gone to high schools that weren’t so luckily, impossibly, incredibly tolerant as my own; i remember their fear too. i remember watching smear campaign ads about family values, the way i’d hear them talked about later.
this is not a fandom post. this is not about whose fault it was, or which character said what, or who egged who on, or ANY of the things i have seen being discussed in relation to this episode. this is about getting it out there as clearly and as loudly as possible that you cannot ever do this to someone. you cannot. ever. do this to someone. it is not about whether it is “brave” to come out or “cowardly” to stay in the closet. it is not about who or who does not already know. it is not about what your coming out process was like, or what my coming out process was like, or what you imagine a coming out process might be like.